# How Do You Get More Confident in Bed? Start With the Feeling You Want By Emma · Podcast Notes · 2026-09-03 Sexual confidence is not a technique problem. Two Somatica Institute sexologists on Shameless Sex 501 make the case that naming the feeling you want during sex, not buying a new toy, is the step that changes it. **Sexual confidence comes from knowing what you want to feel, not from collecting techniques. On Shameless Sex episode 501, sexologists Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel argue that naming the underlying feeling you want during sex, what they call a Core Desire, is what actually improves sex, and that a new technique or a new toy reached for before that feeling has a name is being asked to do a job it cannot do.** It is a familiar scene. Somebody opens a search tab late at night, types some version of how to get better at this, and gets back a list of positions, a list of techniques, a list of products. The list is long. None of it answers the question that was actually asked, because the question was never about mechanics. I want to sit inside that gap for a minute, because this week’s episode walks straight into it. ## The episode Shameless Sex is a long-running show from the certified sex educators Amy Baldwin and April Lampert. [Episode 501](https://www.shamelesssex.com/podcast/501-how-to-become-more-confident-in-sex-amp-relationships-with-celeste-and-danielle) brings back Danielle Harel, Ph.D. and Celeste Hirschman, M.A., co-founders of the Somatica Institute and the lead sexologists on Channel 4’s Virgin Island, a UK reality series filmed in Croatia. These notes come from the complete transcript of the episode. The conversation is about sexual inexperience in the wide sense. Literal virgins, yes. Also anybody with years of partnered sex behind them who still feels like they are guessing, which turns out to be the more interesting half of the episode. ## Nobody is behind Their first move is to take virginity apart. Instead of a single moment you lose, they describe first-time sex as the opening of a long process of gaining experience, confidence, and self-knowledge that keeps running for the rest of a sexual life. Nothing gets spent. Something starts. I would push that one step further, and the episode leaves the room for it. Feeling inexperienced does not track neatly with how much sex you have had. Somebody eleven years into a marriage feels it the first time they want to ask for something new. Somebody with a long list of partners feels it the first time they are with a person they actually care about. Experience is domain-specific, and a new partner or a new ask opens a new domain. ## Confidence is not a technique problem The guests name three obstacles that come up for somebody who feels inexperienced: shame, or the sense of being behind; body image, which they said shows up more acutely for women; and not knowing the mechanics of flirting, dating, or saying out loud what you want. Read that list again. Only one of the three is information. The other two are feelings about yourself, and instruction does not reach those, which is why another article does not fix them. ## Core Desires, the feeling underneath the act Here is the part of the episode worth writing down. The Somatica framework the guests teach holds that during sex you are chasing a feeling rather than a position. Feeling safe. Feeling accepted, cared for, trusted, wanted, chosen. They call that feeling a Core Desire, and their argument is that identifying yours and saying it out loud is what improves sex, more fundamentally than any specific act, technique, or device. The reframe does real work. If what you want is to feel wanted, a partner slowing down and telling you what they like about your body serves it better than a new position does. If what you want is to feel safe, a conversation before anything starts serves it better than intensity does. The act is the delivery mechanism. The feeling is the order. > The act is the delivery mechanism. The feeling is the order. Sex researchers describe two patterns of desire that fit neatly around this. Spontaneous desire arrives before anything has started. Responsive desire arrives after touch is already underway, which means wanting to want it is a perfectly ordinary place to begin. Neither pattern is the broken one. ## Knowing your own body and saying it out loud are two different skills The guests draw a line between solo masturbation and partnered sex and treat them as genuinely separate skills. Knowing exactly how you like to be touched does not convert on its own into being able to tell somebody else. One is private and wordless. The other is a conversation you have to start while feeling exposed. For anybody shopping here, that distinction matters more than the rest of the episode, and it cuts both ways. Self-knowledge is the raw material, and building it on purpose is worth the time. Translating it is a second skill, learned separately. Getting good at the first does not excuse you from the second. ## Two places this gets more complicated The first is a story from the show. The guests mention that some Virgin Island participants, once the pressure to perform with a specific gender was lifted, noticed a gap between the orientation they had assumed and the one they felt. It comes from one structured, filmed, heavily supported environment. Take it as a story about what low pressure makes visible, not as a finding about how orientation works. The second is about us. We sell sex toys, so read the next section knowing exactly who is talking. A toy does not supply a Core Desire and it does not hand anybody confidence. What it does is give you a low-stakes, private way to learn what your body responds to, which is the raw material every later conversation runs on. Bought for that job, it earns its place. Bought to carry the feeling for you, it goes in a drawer. ## What actually helps Name the feeling first, and name it to yourself before you name it to anybody else. Ask what you want to feel during sex rather than what you want to do. Safe. Wanted. Adored, taken care of, in charge, or handed the chance to stop steering entirely. Write it down if saying it out loud is too much on the first pass. Then build the self-knowledge separately, on your own time, with no audience and nothing to perform. A first toy honestly helps here, and a small one helps most. A bullet is the least intimidating way in. Body-safe silicone, rechargeable, short enough to disappear inside one hand. There is nothing to learn and nothing to get right. You move it, you notice where your breath changes, and you keep the parts worth keeping. **Product pick:** [Take a peek →](https://xdipx.com/products/femmefunn-ultra-bullet-massager-rechargeable-silicone-vibrator) Comfort belongs in the same breath, because a tense body tells you very little about what it likes. Water-based lube is the default worth starting from: it works with silicone toys and with latex condoms, and it rinses off with water. This one is gentle, glycerin-free and fragrance-free, built for skin that objects easily. The rest of the [lubricants](/collections/lubricants) shelf is there when you want to compare textures. **Product pick:** [Show me](https://xdipx.com/products/free-love-extra-gentle-water-based-personal-lubricant-3-7-oz) Then the third piece, which no product covers: saying it. One sentence to a partner about the feeling you are after, said before anything starts, is the move the guests treat as the actual skill, and it gets easier every time it goes fine. If getting out of your own head is the part that keeps stalling, [we wrote about that separately](/notebook/how-do-you-get-out-of-your-head-during-sex). One line worth saying plainly. If sex hurts, or if the shame around it is heavy enough to sit on the rest of your life, that belongs with a clinician or a certified sex therapist rather than with a shopping cart. Nothing on this page replaces that conversation. What I like about this episode is how little it asks of you. No technique to master, no bar to clear, no history to make up for. One question, answered honestly and in private: what do you want to feel? Everything after that is logistics. ## Frequently asked questions ### How do you become more confident in bed? Start with the feeling you want rather than the act you think you should master. The sexologists on this episode teach exactly that sequence: identify the underlying feeling you are after during sex, say it out loud, and let the specifics follow. Building self-knowledge on your own, without an audience, is the low-pressure half; telling a partner is the separate half. ### Can you feel sexually inexperienced in a long relationship? Yes. The episode frames inexperience as a feeling about a specific situation rather than a running total of partners, so a first request for something new inside a long marriage produces the same nerves as a first date does. The nerves are about the ask, not about your history. ### What is a Core Desire? It is the Somatica Institute’s term for the underlying feeling somebody wants during sex: safety, acceptance, being cared for, being trusted, being wanted. Harel and Hirschman hold that this feeling drives arousal more fundamentally than any particular act or position, and that naming yours is the step that changes the sex you are having. ### Will a new sex toy make sex better? Yes for sensation, no for confidence. A toy adds sensation and teaches you what your own body responds to, and it does not supply the feeling you are chasing, so it works best once you can name that feeling, which is the order the guests argue for. Bought as a substitute for the conversation, it does the wrong job. ### Does masturbating a lot make you good at partnered sex? No. The guests treat solo and partnered sex as different skills, because knowing how you like to be touched is private and wordless while telling somebody else is a conversation started from an exposed position. Both are learnable. They are learned separately. ### What lube should a beginner start with? Water-based. It works with silicone toys and with latex condoms, it rinses off with water, and a gentle glycerin-free, fragrance-free formula suits skin that reacts easily. Silicone formulas stay slick longer, and they do not go on silicone toys, so water-based is the one to start with while you learn what you want more of. ## Sources International Society for Sexual Medicine, [What Is Responsive Sexual Desire?](https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-responsive-sexual-desire) Healthline, [Your Guide to Lube for Sex: Types, How to Use, and More](https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/lube-shopping-guide-types) --- Canonical: https://xdipx.com/notebook/how-to-get-more-confident-in-bed Last updated: 2026-09-14 xdipx.com is an editorially curated sexual wellness storefront. Support: hello@xdipx.com. Billing descriptor: XDIPX.